There is nothing for a case of nerves like a case of beer.
Joan Goldstein
This was an evolutionary process. Bear, beer, and blush with me.
Of course, one can hold a cold beer. Cold beers being what they are, this is chilly on the fingers, and warms the beer (usually not before I get it inside me, but hey…)
Second, as one is basically reclining, one has to take the first few sips somewhat cautiously in order to prevent drenching one’s chin. This, however, can be celebrated for its cooling impact, alone. Bottles are better than cans in this regard; cans should be welcomed with a good healthy slurp.
On one of our many trips to Hawai’i, I encountered the beer “wet suit” or coozie. These keep hands warm and beer cold, as it should be, even when frolicking on a beach somewhere. The coozie was improved by adding a bottle opener, thanks to Sierra Nevada Brewery, and eventually tacking down the top just a bit to provide greater bottle neck exposure. Ultimately, I acquired a janitor’s key reel (if you see a janitor missing his keys…) and hooked it to my overhead cord. While this did keep the beer from spilling (the original “unspillable” beer) the reel was just not able to hold up a full beer.
And it proved only about 98.9% unspillable, but to spill it you really had to work at it. The greatest danger was when getting in or out of the hammock while a full beer was dangling overhead – a pretty rare occurence.
Never one to back away from a technical challenge, I added a second reel, which helped a bit.
In a moment of inspiration, I took a small plastic hook I had “recovered” from a department store sock section and wrapped the chain around it. This increased friction and drag as the beer was extended to a thirsty mouth, but the chains were erratic and it was almost too much friction.
You can see, though, that this situation extended for quite some time, as the “original” plastic hook was scraped and scored with grooves.
During one quiet afternoon, I went in search of a better class of key reel. I came across Key-Bak, an American company with the “reel” deal. Kevlar cord, smooth action, locking device, etc. In my usual restrained manner, I ordered half a dozen. They have many nice retractable reel options. They feature sections for high-rise workers and fly fisherman. This makes a lot of sense. I’d like to see a reel with an adjustable tension, but they have not gotten around to this – yet.
There are less expensive steel cable reels available and I have occasionally purchased. This is due to my inquisitive nature, and Celtic disposition. Every one of them, at a crucial moment, has gone “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzp” and the cable has snapped, receding in an instant into its spring-loaded housing.
I have used more, or fewer, reels, but this one (4 reels!) might be able to hold up a pint bottle. I also added a rope pull and a fancy Ying-Yang caribiner just for class.
The beer float.
A dear sister-in-law bought me a Yeti Can “Colster” for Christmas one year, knowing that it would be a great hammock accessory. It was, but there was no way to clip the thing in. Early attempts to run a cord or strap around the top eventually ended with a cold beer flopping down into my lap, a very exciting experience. The unspillable beer it was not. After several attempts using duct tape and ribbon and a zip-tie, I was able to create a Colster that could be hung. Remember, in my world, it all has to sling out!
The end result was fantastic, and where I am with the technology at present. The Colster had an added advantage. Instead of wrestling bottles in and out of coozies (cans were even worse, and required a coozie foldover) I had a container in which bottles or cans easily slid in and out, stayed cold while suspended, didn’t spill unless vigorously bumped, and slaked my thirst. I did have to remove the plastic rings at the top of the Colster that would usually lock the can or bottle inside, but they were not necessary, and just slowed down consumption.
As mentioned previously, when drinking from cans – start cautiously, and make sure that when returning to the “resting” position the can’s opening is on the upper (attached) side of the Colster, as shown below.
Note to Yeti – put in a small ring or hole to hook up the Colster!
Here is what the KeyBak Colster looks like in action.
All this has made me VERY thirsty!
One of my favorite tales is from John Steinbeck’s Cannery Row. He describes the Doc (near saint and an easy touch) heading across the street to buy some beer. One of the locals looked up at him. “Doc, I’m having some trouble peeing. Do you know of a good diuretic?”
Doc considered the trouble this fellow must have taken to go to the library and look up the word diuretic – and bought him a beer for his troubles.
Six Pack Stages
A beer.
Duh-beer.
Thruh-beer.
Fuh-beer.
Vuh-beer.
Suh-beer. Should it be known as Stop-beer? Or Las’-beer?
Probably should’a happened sooner.
Last call for alcohol.
No beer. What they have in Heaven (allegedly). I pray otherwise.
Know your limits and drink responsibly! Alcoholism can be a ravaging disease!
Suntea. It’s what to drink when the beer is gone 😥
Last words go to the Lagunitas dog.
Mi Mayan Hamaca 